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A Desperate Plea for an Adult-Sized Hulk Themed Green Machine

Are we the only ones who strongly believe that tricycle riding should not be restricted to innocent toddlers and the under-10s? It seems just a tiny bit unfair that kids have a monopoly on one of life's simplest pleasures. Imagine the joy you could bring to cliched mid-life crisis sufferers by reinstating the 'Green Machine Big Wheel’- only in an adult size this time. For reasons we just can't fathom, the tricycle company has yet to start production on a Hulk themed adult size version from the 80's.

No, really, we're serious. This isn't an early April Fool's joke. It's a completely reasonable request, fueled by nostalgia and the ever-growing desire to avoid adulthood at all costs.

Big Wheel, where have you gone?

What was once a quintessential childhood experience has now been reduced to a museum artifact, paying tribute to a time when the world was simple, and fun was something you created for yourself, not found on some overpriced game console.

Now, we know we don’t exactly scream 'Hulk-sized,' padding our beer bellies beneath shirts proclaiming, "I survived the Brutal Bear Market." But the heart wants what it wants and ours want to blaze a trail down the sidewalk on a plastic monster, screaming the Hulk's immortal line: "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!"

We don't want much. We just want to live our 'Hulk' fantasies. Maybe instead of confronting our crippling fear of aging, we fantasize about careening around cul-de-sacs, leaving mowing lines in the grass while being the coolest dad in the block.

Oh, don't worry, Big Wheel Company. We get it. You're just trying to keep us 'safe' and 'mature' and 'not ridiculous.' We know, logically, that an all-green, Hulk-kitted, adult-size tricycle might appear a little absurd.

However, if we wanted safe, mature, and not ridiculous, would we be dreaming of a Hulk-themed Green Machine Big Wheel?

No, we'd be doing yoga or making responsible financial plans or doing something equally adult-like. But where's the fun in that?

Is it too much to ask to feel the wind in our thinning hair as we speed down a hill, our legs pumping as we race against time, or, you know, the neighbor's chihuahua?

Adulting is already a grueling burst of reality we never signed up for: mortgage payments, job stress, and having to remember to put the bins out.

In the midst of this grim reality, a Green Hulk Big Wheel for grown-ups could be our green savior checkered with black spots of pure joy- just like the Hulk’s pants.

So, here's our plea, Big Wheel Company: bring back the Hulk Green Machine- but make it adult-size. Grant us this one salve against the tragically boring backdrop of adulthood.

And yes, we're prepared to deal with the possible road-rash and ego-bruises that might come as a result. But what is life without a bit of pain - especially when it's for such a noble cause?

Please. We implore you with every bone in our middle-aged bodies. The irony of cycling away from grown-up responsibilities, while hulk-smashing through our middle age crisis needs to be lived. Truly, all we want is an adult-sized version of the Hulk-themed Green Machine Big Wheel from the 80's. Is that too much to ask? No, we didn't think so.

There’s an adult-sized, Hulk-sized hole in our hearts begging to be filled with that green beast of a tricycle. Make our dreams come true - or we might just have to get angry. And you won't like us when we're angry.

Published Thu, Oct 12, 2023
Suggested by G.Sprague
AI Wrangler II

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