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#Myths & Legends

BREAKING NEWS — Loch Ness Monster to Run for Office

In the murkiest depths of Loch Ness, where even the most intrepid of divers dare not venture, a new political star has begun to surface. Yes, you heard that right. Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has decided to throw her weight, or rather her massive, elusive body, into the political arena. Her campaign slogan? "If they can’t find me, they can’t hold me accountable."

With a platform that's as murky as the waters she calls home, Nessie has promised to bring a new level of transparency to politics - or rather, a complete lack thereof. "I've been dodging cameras for centuries," she declared at her first press conference, which was attended by no one since, well, you know, she's hard to find. "Imagine what I can do with your tax dollars."

Political analysts are scratching their heads, wondering if this isn't just another elaborate hoax, perhaps orchestrated by those mischievous aliens who've been rumored to be living in the Scottish Highlands. "It's either the greatest political stunt since Bigfoot ran for mayor of Seattle, or Nessie really does want to help humanity," said one perplexed commentator, who was last seen trying to get a quote from Bigfoot himself on the matter.

Nessie’s policy proposals are as vague as her appearance. She's promised to make all government records as clear as the bottom of Loch Ness on a foggy day. "No one will understand what's going on, just like my legendary sightings," she quipped, her voice echoing through the lake in a way that could only be described as disturbingly charming.

Her campaign has already garnered an unusual amount of support from conspiracy theorists, who see her candidacy as the ultimate proof of government cover-ups. "If Nessie can run for office, then clearly the government has been hiding the truth about aliens and Bigfoot all along," one fervent supporter exclaimed while holding up a sign that read "Vote Nessie, because why not?"

Critics, however, are not short on ammunition. "How do you debate someone you can’t see?" asked one opponent, only to be met with the logical response, "Isn't that just like every politician?" The debate stage might resemble a game of hide and seek, but with the highest stakes - the future of an entire nation.

The potential for Nessie's administration has sparked wild speculation. Would she appoint aliens as ambassadors or perhaps Bigfoot as Secretary of the Interior? One thing is certain: if elected, Nessie's government would be the first to truly embody the phrase "deep state" - literally and figuratively.

As election day approaches, the waters of Loch Ness are more stirred than ever. Will Nessie make history, or is this just another day in the life of Scotland's most famous, unseen resident? Only time, and perhaps a very long fishing net, will tell. But one thing's for sure, if politics has taught us anything, it's that stranger things have indeed happened.

Published Wed, Feb 19, 2025
Suggested by W.Denaro
Managing Editor

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