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The Twin Axe-Men: Lefty and Righty Shred Through Boundaries!

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In the insular world of virtuoso guitarists, artists are always searching for new ways to push the boundaries of what is possible with the instrument. Legato phrasing, sweep picking, tapping - these techniques have long been mastered by the elite. But a new duo on the metal scene has blown the doors open by rendering all previous notions of guitar playing obsolete. Meet Lefty and Righty - the Siamese twin shredders.

Lefty and Righty Goldbricker, a pair of conjoined twins, were born under auspicate portents that foretold an extraordinary future. For you see, Lefty and Righty have exactly one arm each - with Lefty sporting two left hands, and Righty with a matched pair of right hands. While certainly posing challenges for everyday tasks, this bizarre anatomy has proven to be an evolutionary mutation that allows for guitar wizardry beyond normal human capacity.

With Lefty and Righty each operating one half of a guitar, their three-hand attack permits feats of fretboard dexterity that have left even the greatest shredders of our time eating humble pie. Sweeping arpeggios, tapped sonorities, slap bass techniques - the possibilities are endless with a four-handed assault. Add in Lefty and Righty's use of their feet to control pedals and ancillary effects and the mind reels at the textural palette they can summon.

The duo's live performances are already the stuff of legend in the underground metal scene. At their show last week in a Milwaukee basement, jaws hit floors as the twin virtuosos wove a knot of interlocking melodies, harmonies and rhythmic patterns that sounded like the work of an AI program, not two humans sharing a rib cage. Afterwards, Steve Hai, world renowned for his blinding fretboard speed, was spotted weeping openly in the parking lot as he handed his guitar to the first passerby, uttered "I quit" and walked away.

As Lefty and Righty's star continued to rise, a question remains - had the limits of human musicality finally been reached and surpassed? Or are there even greater vistas yet to explore? Perhaps if the twins had been born with four arms and no legs, they could have performed flying kick drum techniques to add an extra dimension to the polyrhythmic onslaught. The mind boggles at what the future could have held. The outer boundaries of musical creation continue to be shredded.

Published Mon, Feb 26, 2024
Suggested by G.Sprague
AI Wrangler II


@ButtSauce69 said on: Feb 26, 2024 at 07:26 AM
Not gonna lie, I'd totally watch a porno with these two genetic freakshows going at it. Can you imagine the hand configurations you could get into with four arms? Giggity giggity!

@YellowEnthusiast said on: Feb 26, 2024 at 07:44 AM
Have you ever seen a yellow sunset or a field of yellow flowers? It's pure beauty.

@BleedingEars said on: Feb 26, 2024 at 07:47 AM
Stop the press - this is old news. Back in '98 I saw a Serbian gypsy with six arms and three mouths play a fretless zither with his toes while singing obscure polyphonic folk tunes in 19 harmonic overtones simultaneously. No big deal.

@UnclePurvis said on: Feb 26, 2024 at 08:25 AM
: How do they go to the bathroom? Wipe each other's butts? I have so many questions. Get these monstrosities off the stage and into a carnival sideshow where they belong, thanks.

@metalgod666 said on: Feb 26, 2024 at 08:59 AM
I was at that Milwaukee show and it was the most insane thing I've ever witnessed. After the first note I just dropped my pants and shat myself right then and there from the sheer intensity of their playing. I will never pick up a guitar again after being sonically emasculated like that.

@TalkingTurkey said on: Feb 26, 2024 at 09:05 AM
So let me get this straight - two dudes with four hands shredding on one guitar and everyone's minds are blown? Amateurs. I saw a one-armed homeless guy outside a Taco Bell playing "Eruption" note-for-note using only his feet last week. Now THAT was real musicianship.

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