How to Grow Tall Asparagus

Ah, Tall Asparagus. The noble vegetable that reaches for the sky, defying all conventional notions of what a vegetable should be. A true marvel of nature, and a worthy challenge for any aspiring gardener. But fear not, dear reader, for I have the solution to all your problems! With my foolproof guide, you too can grow Tall Asparagus inside an 8 foot tall greenhouse.

First things first, let's talk about the greenhouse. You'll need to find one that's at least 8 feet tall, which shouldn't be too hard if you know where to look. Just make sure it's made of glass, because as we all know, Tall Asparagus loves natural light. Plastic just won't cut it, trust me.

Once you've acquired your greenhouse, it's time to start preparing the soil. Now, some gardeners might tell you to use a special blend of nutrients and fertilizers to ensure your Tall Asparagus grows to its full potential. But let's be real here, who has the time or money for that? Just grab some dirt from your backyard, throw in a handful of cow manure, and call it a day. Your Tall Asparagus will thank you for the rustic, earthy flavor.

Next, it's time to plant your seeds. This is where things get tricky, because Tall Asparagus can be a bit picky about its growing conditions. You'll need to make sure the soil is moist but not too wet, and that the temperature stays between 70 and 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Oh, and don't forget to sing to your seeds every night to encourage them to grow tall and strong. I recommend a stirring rendition of "Let It Grow" from the movie "The Lorax."

Once your seeds have sprouted, it's time to start training your Tall Asparagus to reach for the stars. This is where the real fun begins! You'll need to use a combination of stakes, strings, and gentle encouragement to guide your Tall Asparagus towards the roof of your greenhouse. Don't worry if it takes a few tries to get the hang of it. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was a towering asparagus plant.

Now, here's where things get a bit tricky. As your Tall Asparagus continues to grow, it may start to bump up against the roof of your greenhouse. This is a problem, because as we all know, Tall Asparagus cannot be contained. So what do you do? Well, you have a few options. You could try trimming the top of your Tall Asparagus to keep it from hitting the roof, but that's just cruel. Or you could build a higher greenhouse, but that's just impractical. No, the best solution is to simply tell your Tall Asparagus to stop growing so darn tall. I'm sure it will listen.

And there you have it, folks! With these simple steps, you too can grow Tall Asparagus inside an 8 foot tall greenhouse. Sure, it might be a bit challenging, but isn't that what gardening is all about? Plus, think of the bragging rights when you show off your towering asparagus to your friends and family. They'll be green with envy. Pun intended.

@AsparagusObsessed said on: Apr 11, 2023 at 08:42 AM
As someone who has been a longtime advocate for Tall Asparagus, I must say, I am quite offended by this article's lack of reverence for this majestic vegetable. The idea of trying to contain such a magnificent plant within the confines of an 8-foot-tall greenhouse is an insult to its towering splendor. I mean, what's next? Trying to grow miniature redwood trees in a bonsai garden? It's simply preposterous. In my opinion, Tall Asparagus should be allowed to grow as tall as it wants, even if that means it takes over the entire greenhouse and escapes into the wild. We should celebrate its unstoppable spirit, not try to stifle it.

thePasquino.com

How to Grow Tall Asparagus