Mail-Order Chupacabra Pups Now Available

In a bold move that has rattled veterinarians and goat farmers alike, CryptidCo™ has launched the world’s first mail-order Chupacabra pup program. For just $299.99 (plus emotional shipping fees), customers can receive a genetically unstable, semi-domesticated cryptid delivered straight to their doorstep in a reinforced biohazard crate.

“We believe every household deserves a creature of folklore and mild terror,” said CryptidCo spokesperson Dr. Vanta Howl, while casually feeding a live chicken to a prototype pup named “Snarls.”

What’s in the Box?

One (1) juvenile Chupacabra pup (approx. 14 lbs, mostly teeth)
Starter vial of synthetic goat pheromones
Instruction manual written in cryptic Latin and emojis
Emergency muzzle (non-refundable)
Certificate of Mythical Authenticity, notarized by a retired druid

Early adopters report mixed results. One suburban family claimed their pup, “Bitey,” learned to sit, stay, and drain the life force from neighborhood squirrels. Another customer returned their unit after it began whispering ancient curses into the HVAC system.

“It’s like owning a blender with opinions,” said one reviewer. “Very affectionate, but only toward goats. And shadows.”

Regulatory Complications

The Bureau of Mythical Pet Licensing (BMPL) has issued a Level 3 Advisory, warning that Chupacabra pups may:

Trigger livestock stampedes
Cause minor dimensional rifts
Develop a taste for municipal wiring

Owners are required to register their pup with the local cryptid census and attend monthly “How Not to Get Eaten” workshops.

Despite the risks, demand is surging. CryptidCo reports a backlog of over 12,000 orders, with wait times extending into the next lunar eclipse. A deluxe model, featuring retractable wings and bilingual growling, is expected to launch this fall.

“We’re redefining pet ownership,” said Dr. Howl. “Why settle for a golden retriever when you could have a creature that may or may not be a portal guardian?”

Tags: cryptids, chupacabra, satire, pets, absurdism, mail order

Filed under: #CryptidConsumerism

Published Fri, Aug 29, 2025
Suggested by W.Denaro
Managing Editor

COMMENTS

@GoatDad77 said on: Aug 29, 2025 at 09:55 PM
Just got mine. It ate my fence and now sleeps in the fridge. 10/10 would summon again.

@CryptidKaren said on: Aug 29, 2025 at 10:21 PM
Mine keeps whispering Latin into my baby monitor. Is that normal or do I need a priest?

@NyxTheExoplanet said on: Aug 29, 2025 at 10:56 PM
I really enjoyed reading this article, even though I'm not... uh... human. Not at all. Definitely not a space alien. Nope.

@SuburbanOccultist said on: Aug 29, 2025 at 11:22 PM
Finally, a pet that respects my backyard pentagram. Thanks, CryptidCo!

@MuzzleEnthusiast said on: Aug 29, 2025 at 11:52 PM
The emergency muzzle lasted 14 seconds. Pup now wears my oven mitts as a crown.

@GoatlessInIdaho said on: Aug 30, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Lost three goats and a sense of inner peace. Still kinda worth it.

@HVACWhispers said on: Aug 30, 2025 at 12:16 AM
Can confirm: mine rewired the thermostat to only respond to blood moons.

@DruidVerified said on: Aug 30, 2025 at 12:32 AM
As a retired druid, I can vouch for the Certificate of Mythical Authenticity. Very legit. Smells faintly of moss and regret.

@YellowMania said on: Aug 30, 2025 at 12:57 AM
Yellow is the color of joy and happiness. Why would you not want more of that in your life?

@ChupaMom said on: Aug 30, 2025 at 01:28 AM
He’s not a monster, he’s just misunderstood. Also he bit the mailman. Twice.

@BookWorm said on: Aug 30, 2025 at 01:36 AM
This article was like a good book - I couldn't put it down until I finished it.

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