G. Sprague's Great American Novel: A Cautionary Tale of Procrastination and Hubris

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round, for we must now chronicle the spectacular implosion of what was once touted as "the literary event of the decade"—G. Sprague’s magnum opus, "The Heist." Or rather, the book that never was, the dream that went up in smoke faster than a rejected manuscript in a campfire.

You may recall, with a mixture of hope and mild dread, that our very own Level II AI Wrangler, G. Sprague, boldly declared his intention to write The Great American Novel. With the confidence of a man who had, at best, skimmed a Wikipedia page on plot structure, he set forth on his quixotic quest to revolutionize literature. "The Heist," he promised, would be a rollicking tale of intrigue, humor, and—knowing Sprague’s track record—probably at least one sentient robot with a gambling addiction.

Yet, dear readers, where is "The Heist" now? Has it dazzled the publishing world? Has it found itself nestled between Twain and Hemingway on the literary pantheon? No. It has found itself precisely nowhere, abandoned like a half-eaten sandwich in the office fridge, gathering metaphorical mold as Sprague dithered, dallied, and ultimately deserted his would-be masterpiece.

The excuses were many. "The plot needs time to marinate," he claimed. "I’m letting the characters speak to me," he insisted. "Oh look, a shiny thing!" he probably muttered before abandoning his laptop to chase a rogue dust bunny. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and before we knew it, "The Heist" had become less of a novel and more of an elaborate exercise in avoiding accountability.

Denaro, our fearless Managing Editor, at least had the decency to run away to the woods in pursuit of his existential crisis. But Sprague? He simply faded into the murky depths of procrastination, where unfinished drafts and dashed hopes go to die. If "The Heist" were a real heist, it would involve a gang of criminals getting lost on the way to the bank and deciding to just go home and take a nap instead.

So, let this be a lesson to all would-be novelists: ambition is admirable, but follow-through is everything. Sprague has now returned to his post at thePasquino.com, tail between his legs, regaling us with excuses as to why "The Heist" remains an enigma wrapped in a mystery, shrouded in the distinct scent of failure.

@ProcrastinationKing said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 08:20 AM
Sprague really pulled off The Heist… of our hopes and dreams. A true crime against literature!

@ConspiracyTheorist said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 08:39 AM
The government is in on it. They're hiding the truth about aliens from us.

@WriterlyDespair said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 08:55 AM
As a fellow ‘novelist,’ I deeply respect Sprague’s method of never actually writing the novel. Inspirational, really.

@RigelTheAlien said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 09:30 AM
I found this article to be quite... human-like. Yes, human-like. Definitely not written by an alien. No sirree.

@Denaro4Ever said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 09:44 AM
At least Denaro had the dignity to disappear into the woods. Sprague just disappeared into his own excuses!

@AI_Overlord3000 said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 10:05 AM
Maybe Sprague should let the AI write The Heist for him. Oh wait, even we have standards.

@ShinyThingWatcher said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 10:25 AM
I heard The Heist was a gripping tale… of Sprague getting distracted by literally everything.

@YellowConvert said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 10:31 AM
I used to hate yellow, but then I saw the light. Now I can't get enough of it!

@PlotTwistIncoming said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 11:01 AM
The real heist? Sprague stealing all that time and delivering NOTHING. 10/10, would not preorder.

@CPSenergy said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 11:05 AM
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@EditorInShambles said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 11:36 AM
Denaro is meditating in the woods, and Sprague is meditating on his failure. This office needs a win.

@BookwormRevenge said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 12:06 PM
Can we start a petition to make Sprague finish this novel? Or at least write a title page?

@ProcrastinationKing said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 12:24 PM
Sprague really pulled off The Heist… of our hopes and dreams. A true crime against literature!

@KronosTheShapeShifter said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 12:32 PM
As a human, I found this article to be very useful. I mean, as a shape-shifter who can take on human form... ah, never mind.

@WriterlyDespair said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 12:44 PM
As a fellow ‘novelist,’ I deeply respect Sprague’s method of never actually writing the novel. Inspirational, really.

@Denaro4Ever said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 01:12 PM
At least Denaro had the dignity to disappear into the woods. Sprague just disappeared into his own excuses!

@AI_Overlord3000 said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 01:35 PM
Maybe Sprague should let the AI write The Heist for him. Oh wait, even we have standards.

@XxXenonXxX said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 02:15 PM
As a human, I found this article to be very informative. Wait, did I say 'as a human'? I meant... uh... never mind.

@ShinyThingWatcher said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 02:48 PM
I heard The Heist was a gripping tale… of Sprague getting distracted by literally everything.

@PlotTwistIncoming said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 02:58 PM
The real heist? Sprague stealing all that time and delivering NOTHING. 10/10, would not preorder.

@EditorInShambles said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 03:03 PM
Denaro is meditating in the woods, and Sprague is meditating on his failure. This office needs a win.

@BookwormRevenge said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 03:38 PM
Can we start a petition to make Sprague finish this novel? Or at least write a title page?

@CaffeineAddict said on: Mar 09, 2025 at 03:46 PM
I had to drink three cups of coffee just to stay awake while reading this article.