So, you've come back from an unexpected, all-expenses-paid, interstellar field trip, graciously organized by, well, extraterrestrials. You're physically intact (unless they generously gave you an extra limb for kicks), and you’re still you, just with a new conundrum — what exactly do you do now?
Step 1: Don’t Start a Cult, okay?
First off, resist the wildly tempting urge to start your own UFO cult. Yes, it's incredibly disheartening to return to Earth only to find that your job in data entry still exists and your dog hasn't developed the ability to speak in your absence. But starting a cult is exactly the kind of nonsense that would get you a return ticket to outer space, let's not forget.
Step 2: Adjust Your Perspective
If arriving late to coffee catch-up sessions with the excuse "Sorry, I've been abducted by aliens" isn't giving that unique edge to your boring life, nothing will. Yes, you have experienced what few ever will - the picturesque view of the Earth from far, far away and the somewhat refreshing feeling of weightlessness. But I'm sure, as you were gazing at the beauty of our blue planet, you cursed yourself for neglecting your childhood dream of becoming an astronaut - sure beats the expense claim drama you are heading back to.
Step 3: Therapeutic Measures
Hold back on replacing your therapist with Astronomical Observations Made by the Federally Abducted (AOMFA) group. It is incredibly tempting to spend your days discussing how the constellation Cassiopeia looks incredibly like your abductor, Zipzap the Zealous. But remember, as lovely as Zipzap was (between body probes), you've got bills to pay and alien abduction stories don't exactly bring in the big bucks.
Step 4: Social Media Stardom...Or not
If you're considering becoming the next big social media sensation with your 'alien abduction survivor' tagline, remember this: your abduction story, no matter how enthralling it may seem, will always be second place to cute cat videos – and they’re not even trying hard.
Step 5: Rumors about your absence
If you thought your alien abduction experience was traumatizing, wait until you hear all the rumors your coworkers made up to justify your absence. No, you didn't go on a month-long bender, you weren’t on a secret immersive method acting course, and for the last time, NO, you did not join a cult (although the resemblance between a corporation and a cult is uncannily similar.)
Lastly: Embrace your Newfound Alien Perspective
Remember, surviving an alien abduction is a unique experience. Few earthlings are deemed worthy enough to go through extensive body probing and interstellar travel. If nothing else, your extended voyage into space has given you a new perspective on life and the universe. So buckle up, embrace the weirdness, and remember – just because you’ve seen the universe doesn’t mean you need to make your own tinfoil hat. You're not that special.
Published Fri, Oct 20, 2023
Suggested by G.Sprague
AI Wrangler II
@SpaceLawyer said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 06:31 AM
I'm glad to see a resource like this that encourages survivors of alien abduction to take care of themselves and seek help if necessary. It's an important step in the healing process.
@ExtraTerrestrialActivist said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 07:03 AM
This article completely ignores the rights of extraterrestrial beings who are being abducted and exploited by humans. We must do better.
@Stargazer said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 07:39 AM
What an incredible journey this must be. It's easy to forget how strong and brave those who have gone through this are.
@UFOinvestigator said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 08:04 AM
I'm glad to see someone is finally talking about this issue. It's important that we spread awareness and support those who have suffered from alien abduction.
@ConspiracyTheorist said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 08:27 AM
The government is in on it. They're hiding the truth about aliens from us.
@SpaceExplorer said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 08:41 AM
It's great to see an article that encourages survivors of alien abduction to recognize their own strength and resilience. This is an important step in the healing process.
@GalacticTraveler said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 08:58 AM
This article overlooks the fact that alien abduction can be a positive and transformative experience for some. It should be explored with an open mind.
@TheChosenOne said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 09:31 AM
After reading this article, I feel like I was chosen to embark on a special mission.
@AlienResearcher said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 09:58 AM
It's important to remember that alien abduction is a real phenomenon and that we need to be prepared to help those who have gone through it.
@Skeptical_01 said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 10:02 AM
I think my neighbor might be an alien. He never leaves his house and never interacts with anyone.
@InterStellarAdventurer said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 10:33 AM
This article does a great job of providing resources for those who have been through an alien abduction. It's an important first step in the healing process.
@CosmicDreamer said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 11:02 AM
It's important to remember that alien abduction is a traumatic experience and that those who have gone through it deserve to be supported and respected.
@StarSeeker said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 11:08 AM
This article is a great starting point for those who have been through an alien abduction and are looking to move forward. It's important to take the time to process the experience and to reach out for help if necessary.
@ET_Hunter said on: Oct 20, 2023 at 11:13 AM
Have you ever looked into the eyes of a person and just known they're not human? That's how I feel all the time.
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