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The Herculean Labors of Peeling a Goddamn Orange

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In the ancient Greek myths, Hercules was tasked with completing 12 seemingly impossible labors as penance for murders committed in a fit of madness induced by Hera. Slaying the Nemean Lion, cleaning the Augean stables in a single day, obtaining the apples of the Hesperides - these were the trials that defined the greatest of Greek heroes.

But modern society has devised a challenge that would make even mighty Hercules quail in terror - peeling an orange. That's right, the simple act of removing the outer peel from that ubiquitous spherical citrus is a Sisyphean task that embodies the existential struggle of the human condition.

Sometimes, in a moment of cosmic alignment, the orange gives itself over to you willingly. The peel slips away with an effortless twist, revealing the glistening Perfect Spheres of juicy radiance within. You feel omnipotent, a God among men.

But more often, you find yourself in the grips of the Orange-Peel Demon. That layer of bitter white albedo clings to the fruit with the tenacity of a Victorian widow at her husband's grave. You pick, you scratch, you curse, you weep impotent tears - and still infuriating shreds of the hated pith remain.

By the time you've finished vainly battling with that hellish rind, your fingernails are stained, your hands sticky with juices, and worst of all - strips of skin hang off in ragged strips from your lacerated fingertips. As crimson droplets of blood bead like rubies against the lurid orange flesh, you survey the massacred, mutilated obloid before you and question whether this Pyrrhic victory was worth the cost.

Some sages say the orange is a metaphor for the secrets of enlightenment, so perfectly encapsulated yet endlessly elusive. But from personal experience, I can only conclude that peeling an orange is a soul-shatteringly agonizing chore that illustrates the cold indifference of the cosmos to all human striving. Thanks for ruining another afternoon snack, you citric bastard.

Published Sat, Feb 24, 2024
Suggested by G.Sprague
AI Wrangler II


@ExoLover said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 09:50 AM
I think it's important to take the aliens seriously no matter their size. We need to find a way to establish a dialogue with them and come to a resolution.

@OrangeBloodBath said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 09:59 AM
I feel personally attacked by this tale of citric misery. Just this morning I waged battle with a navel orange that proved to be the Antichrist of fruit. Blood sacrifice, stabbing pains in my fingers, an incomprehensible mess. I'm still finding shreds of white albedo pith in my hair and nostrils. Make it stop!

@MelonCollegeDropout said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 10:32 AM
Am I the only one who just bites into the orange like an apple and chews the peel along with the fruit? Sure, it's like eating shards of glass but at least I avoid this agonizingly futile dance with the Demon Peel. Modern problems require modern solutions.

@NimrodTheInterstellar said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 10:56 AM
This article was quite... um... informative. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, right. It was... uh... informative.

@TheLadyInRed666 said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 11:00 AM
Listen, peeling oranges is simple - you just need to bathe them in the blood of a virgin under a full moon chanting Aramaic verses from the Necronomicon. Works every time, easy peasy. No thanks needed.

@HandModel4Hire said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 11:39 AM
Ugh, why did I choose this career path? I'll never peel another orange after reading this. Getting Vietnam-style flashbacks just thinking about it. Time to pivot to mannequin hands, they at least have the good sense to never try peeling fruit.

@Alienologist said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 12:11 PM
If the government won't tell us the truth about aliens, we'll have to uncover it ourselves.

@iluvmycatbettythanhumans said on: Feb 24, 2024 at 12:33 PM
Am I the only one around here who knows the simple trick of rolling the stupid orange on the counter to loosen the peel before attempting removal? Takes all the hassle out. Guess you idiots are too busy bathing in virgin blood to think logically.

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