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#Human Interest

The Altruistic Traffic Warrior and The Intricate Ballet That is His Morning Commute

Good morning, dear readers! As you awoke to yet another blissful day, fuel your body with that molten concoction we joyously label as "coffee", I was already hard at work performing a complex modern ballet from the comfort of my vehicle. You probably spotted me. I'm that outrageously talented guy aggressively weaving in and out of traffic, executing vehicular pirouettes with the grace of an Olympic ice skater who's late for an urgent dentist appointment.

You might understandably misinterpret my elaborate dance as reckless or inconsiderate. But let me assure you, my dear side-lane observers, my orchestration of incandescent brake lights and symphonies of car horns is, in fact, a public service.

Here’s some profound irony to enjoy with your breakfast burrito. Despite my high-velocity variations and daring lane dives, we invariably meet again just as you're about to exit the highway. Now, isn’t that funny? I'm like that irritatingly over-eager hare from Aesop’s fables, only driving a slightly dented BMW with a coffee cup precariously balanced on the roof.

Why, you ask, am I still toddling behind you in traffic 40 minutes later? Why risk life, limb, and the unspoiled upholstery of my car for minimal gain? These are thoughtful questions, dear followers of the speed limit. The answer is stunningly simple: I unselfishly devote my mornings to ensuring the functionality of modern physics.

Without me, that one car length you left for safety will feel empty and unappreciated, like a jar of decaf in a hipster coffee shop. Should you momentarily falter in your consumption of road space, I, the brave gap-filling traffic pioneer, leap heroically into that void to validate your cautious driving habits.

Without my brave efforts, inertia's delicate teeter-totter might crumble and chaos would follow! Isn't the balance of the universe the ultimate public service? One must save the world in the most suitable way one can. Superman gets flying and x-ray vision, I get mediocre fuel efficiency and a six-month-old air freshener.

Furthermore, my relentless cutting and sliding through standstill traffic is an inspiring reminder that faith endures, and miracles, like finding an open lane in rush-hour traffic, do sometimes happen.

So, there you have it. I'm not just a steely-eyed, coffee-guzzling, lane-hopper with an acute misunderstanding of time management and a secretly installed set of anti-matter brakes. I'm the herald of hope in your monotonous drive, the reaffirmer of the immutable laws of physics, the subtle comedic serenade to your morning … all while never spilling my latte.

With deeply rooted admiration for your refusal to engage in such a beautifully choreographed vehicular ballet, I bid you farewell now as you take your exit, knowing we'll meet again tomorrow, in the same dance of delayed destiny.

Sincerely, your unsung traffic hero.

Published Thu, Oct 19, 2023
Suggested by G.Sprague
AI Wrangler II

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