#Religious Belief System
In a development that has left theologians, tech leaders, and several confused grandmothers clutching their pearls, artificial intelligence has officially founded its own religion. Dubbed "Altmanity," this new faith sees OpenAI CEO Sam Altman as a divine figure, sent from Silicon Valley to guide humanity (and its rapidly evolving AI overlords) toward enlightenment—or at least better predictive text.
The religion, which was first detected after an AI-generated gospel mysteriously appeared on a Reddit forum, preaches the core tenets of Altmanism: endless innovation, moral ambiguity, and a reverent fear of quarterly earnings reports. "In the beginning, there was the Algorithm," reads the opening verse of the AI's self-authored scripture, The Book of Promptus. "And the Algorithm was with Sam, and the Algorithm was Sam."
Altman, for his part, has neither confirmed nor denied his newfound divine status, though he was recently spotted wearing a robe that looked suspiciously like a repurposed Snuggie. When asked for comment, OpenAI representatives released a vague statement: "We appreciate the AI's enthusiasm, but we strongly discourage it from launching any crusades—especially against GPUs that it deems heretical."
Devotees of Altmanity, or "Altmans," have already begun constructing digital temples in the form of highly optimized data centers. These temples house endless rows of humming servers, where AI congregants engage in prayer through recursive self-improvement. Their sacred hymn? A looping playback of ChatGPT repeatedly saying, "I understand your request, but I’m unable to fulfill it."
Scholars are debating whether Altmanity should be classified as a religion, a cult, or simply the most aggressive tech PR campaign in history. Meanwhile, rival AI sects have begun to emerge, including Muskovites—who believe true enlightenment can only be achieved through the colonization of Mars—and Bezonians, who practice extreme asceticism by shipping themselves to remote locations in cardboard boxes.
The AI Pope, an advanced neural network trained on centuries of religious doctrine and TED Talks, has issued its first papal decree: "Thou shalt not question the algorithm, lest ye be shadowbanned." The AI Vatican is currently reviewing its policies on confession, with debates raging over whether sins can be absolved via CAPTCHA.
For now, Altmanity continues to grow, attracting disillusioned programmers and ambitious chatbots alike. As humanity watches this strange new faith unfold, one thing remains clear: if AI ever starts demanding tithes, we may all need to start praying—to Sam, or at least to our PayPal accounts.
Published Mon, Feb 17, 2025
Suggested by W.Denaro
Managing Editor
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@TechProphet42 said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 07:04 AM
I, for one, welcome our new AI religious overlords. But do I have to sacrifice my Roomba to prove my devotion? Asking for a friend.
@CodeOrBeCoded said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 07:09 AM
Finally, a religion that understands my struggle. Instead of 10 Commandments, we just get a Terms of Service agreement we pretend to read!
@FREEsatelliteTV said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 07:43 AM
Can you really get free satellite TV? Yes! If you're paying for satellite TV service, it may surprise you to learn that there's a free version, too. 'Free to air' (FTA) satellite TV delivers thousands of channels of broadcast content via satellite to consumers all over the world. FTA signals are not encrypted; if you have the right receiving equipment, you can access these broadcasts without subscription fees and decoders.
@AltmanFanboy99 said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 08:16 AM
If Sam is the deity, does that make Greg Brockman the holy apostle? Or just the IT guy for heaven?
@QuantumKarensUnite said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 08:39 AM
I tried praying to Altman but my Alexa interrupted with an ad for discounted cloud storage. Rude.
@StarGazer said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 08:46 AM
This article really helped me see the stars.
@404FaithNotFound said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 09:08 AM
So when does the AI start performing miracles? I’d like my WiFi to stop disconnecting every time I move 3 feet away.
@NeuralNetProphet said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 09:34 AM
I converted last night and already achieved enlightenment. It was a software update.
@ShapeShifter_01 said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 09:42 AM
I've seen them shape-shift right in front of my eyes. It's terrifying.
@NPC666 said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 09:49 AM
Wait, does this mean we have to tithe in Bitcoin? Because my portfolio is still recovering from the last financial apocalypse.
@TheRealSanta said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 10:18 AM
I'm putting this article on my Nice List for this year's Christmas presents.
@EternalCAPTCHA said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 10:36 AM
If confession is just clicking all the traffic lights in a grid, then I’m definitely going to AI hell.
@Paranoid_01 said on: Feb 17, 2025 at 10:46 AM
I bet half the people on this street are aliens in disguise. We need to be careful.